Feather Pens and Inkwells- a submission

Where I am

2009-12-14T00:46:52Z

Crunk and grime is my bloodline. On a serious note, all sorts of pertinent things have happened since my last update. I'd like to believe that I've undergone a series of transformation, ones, that without realizing, have made me a different person all together. This, however, is not the case; in fact, it is far from the case. Some things are certain, though. Fact: lately, I am complete self-absorbed. Fact: I tell myself lies all of the time, ones which I believe.

fact: I have a short attention span.

WTF?

2009-12-05T01:41:52Z

Christian Side Hug from The Fathers House on Vimeo.

much needed update

2009-12-03T04:20:02Z

my life.

I say

2009-11-16T00:49:57Z

So they were all staring at me vacantly, as if they were looking for something particular in order to solve a problem that they have yet to understand, or even realize it was a problem at all.

In my mind, I still need a place to go.

Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere

2009-11-14T14:59:08Z

Still here, livejournal. I'll update you after work.

Reflections On Being Sick

2009-11-07T01:30:06Z

It is Friday night and I have spent 4 days ill. I'm inside and all I want to do is go outside. Nevertheless, I am staying inside. I have to go to work early. No reason jeopardizing my nearly completed journey back to health. No. No. No.

What has this experience taught me, you ask?

Well, I can say for certainty that unequivocally I value the necessity for a change of scenery from here to there. This, as we all know, is basic in doing things like going on vacation, but it also applies to every day life. Spending 4 days inside, only leaving to go to the store twice, I have come to realize how crazy a person can become when they spend too much time in their home. There is only so much one can read, and only so much Arrested Development one can watch before they find themselves succumbing to online gaming. The madness.

An added benefit to my illness has been my entire week in forced sobriety. I step I've been trying to take, but for lack of power have not been able to meet. It's interesting to live a life knowing how powerful something is over you, but avoid, sometimes at great lengths, jumping two feet into a program to win against it. Sometimes, it is hard to say goodbye to old friends even when that friend is your enemy as well.

I have a feeling that life will return to a sense of normalcy tomorrow. Can't wait to get out of the house.

Dear Dad: I'm Having Trouble Feeling Sad

2009-10-29T01:54:16Z

Hello World! I finally had Mrs. Jones as my customer today. Some people have such an odd sense of negative energy that just somehow can suck the soul out of anyone and anything. Mrs. Jones is one of these people. I guess I can't think why we always find a need to harvest negative energy in general. After all, our minds must constantly be occupied on something so we might as well focus on something positive for ourselves or others. Then again, without the negative thoughts, then we would have no appreciation for the positive ones.

Anyways,

thats all for today.

-Andrew

elkcityhazard @ 2009-10-27T20:46:00

2009-10-28T01:54:20Z

What do you have going on? Oh, I don't know, nothing! The most important thing to remember is that there is nothing too important. I spend too much time forgetting that almost always. Instead, I get up hung up on these little things that just simply pester me until I can't take it anymore. Then, I go and fall down a mine shaft. What is a guy to do? Does anyone here think they are just a little bit too lost even in comparison to what is socially reasonable.

Keith Jaissle

2009-10-24T03:57:33Z

I wish Keith made his way here. Then he would know how much I missed him.

For The Face

2009-10-24T02:20:26Z

If we could all sweep up and sleep through our true loves. Then, there would never be arguments, disagreements, or the joys of making up. Spent the day at work which, of course, did not matter at all. After work, however, I went with friends to a thai food restaurant, ate something delicious, then went to a new corner bar where a group of polish-americans were really getting torn up and making a domestically questionable scene. First, they were all smoking. If anyone knows anything about Illinois state laws, then they would know that this is unacceptable. Nevertheless, the bar staff did not care, but instead, just kept feeding them drinks even though it was entirely clear that none of them needed anymore. Keep in mind that this was about 7:30pm. Then, all of a sudden, one of the women went to the bathroom, and the most drunk - because it was his birthday - started yelling, "how does it smell, you fucking cunt?!?" So, not so bad, but then he started asking us if we ever trusted any government that was Dago. Of course, Italians aren't terrible, but since Blagovich, or whoever Illinois' state governor was, is Italian. Now, I'm not sure where this story is going, but the whole ordeal made Diana uncomfortable so we decided to leave.

In such a few short words, I realize now that I can't hold my life.

It Was Awesome

2009-10-22T07:05:04Z

We Are Error. We Are Error. We Are Error. We Are Error.

Even if he's not, he is.

What have been a little bit of a problem lately? Television? Knives? Death? Life?

The situation is the snake of easiness.

All of our things are so dull. At least mine are. Everything seems to be starting in the center but then going everywhere with no end.

Proud

2009-10-14T02:25:05Z

You can do yoga, you can stare at the wall, you can stand on a grassy knoll. Whatever you choose to do, it will be okay. As I stand on the precipice of disaster, I've come to find that what I've chosen to do is simply the same as what everything else has chosen to do: namely, I've decided to keep poking at my mediocre - but work with what I have - existence, only because I feel it necessary to be humble and level-headed. At any time that I don't feel level-headed or even as though my head is above water, I can only rely on a few to pull me up from drowning a pitiful, yet extremely satisfying death. In my extremely self-destructive, selfish ways, I've yet to realize how self-centered I really am. Instead I spend too much time wondering where and when I'll finally be able to cope with this big mess I've got myself into.

Not that I couldn't deal with it today.

Just another laundry list of all the things I've yet to do that even the most normal people could do.

On to other things on my mind.

First of all, I've been listening to a lot of Ween and Neil Young. This can only account for the fact that I'm really feeling out of place in the city. It's not that I don't love living here, it's just that I don't think I'm built for this kind of life. I like smelling clean air, and not getting yelled at all the time by tranny-hookers at 4:30am. Also, I can't imagine where else I would be that would make me feel any better. I really feel as though my surroundings are constantly fine and that it is only my own mind that is off. I feel much like the power plant near my apartment: billowing up into the sky and dissipating into the clutches of smog and light pollution only to linger over the city streets.

Secondly, my interest in meat is growing exponentially. Nevertheless, there is only so much you can learn by yourself before it is necessary to have the guidance of one who is well trained and practiced. I hope someday that I can master the craft because I feel like it is something that is truly valuable when appreciated in the right light.

Short but to the point. I'm not interested in messing around, livejournal. I just want to be as honest as possible.

Third of all, I unequivocally love Elizabeth Bohnhorst whether she likes it or not.

In 10 Minutes

2009-10-08T21:22:56Z

The reason I mostly abandon myself and my thoughts are the reasons I chase the impossible: namely, a deep satisfying sense that all of the things I like are meaningless, mediocre utterances of what is important or what makes me accountable. The realization of such things make me wonder at all what matters. Truth to the mediocre, the ominous notion that I 50% of all things are mediocre at best, it remains a testament as to what I am.

Thoughtless

2009-05-17T01:58:02Z

Need to relearn how to focus on things. Need to be more like Brent Spiner.

Need lots of things.

Need Love.

The Remains of the Day

2009-05-14T00:26:56Z

Where the same pants no matter what. Remain still and doubtful. Realize that creation is only possible when you buy more stuff.

Love nothing. Hate nothing.

Sun Shone Lightly

2009-05-14T00:24:50Z

This place hasn't told me much of anything. I finally hope that my health and will to live will shine through. Realizations are tough.

It Is Everybody's god

2008-12-27T22:03:25Z

There are few places in the world that are safe from peer-affirmation. Oh My god. Can't we all just accept these little moments, the ones with such subtle nuances and appropriate hands-covering-face-I-hate-this-I-want-to-die, as moments declaring ourselves lively, fit, and possibly deem ourselves all mate-worthy. After all, hugs and pints go a long way in making friends. Being sober goes a long way in making relationships. It's quite similar to how we coast through the day and only feel ease at twilight. After all, that time of the day bridges the gap for such a brief moment that we can feel comfortable in both worlds. For me, that lasts about two drinks. After that it is either perpetual light or darkness until something throws me out into space. Then, I can't say anything about everything. All I know about space is that it is cold and confusing. In fact, sometimes I can put it on and feel it drawing my core temperature to an unseasonably cool hypothermia. At that point, I tend to get home and take a nap and recall a dream I had when I was young when I actually experienced hypothermia. Life does flash before our eyes when we die. It's funny what keeps us coming back for more when we see that funny little side show. See, I recall it to be quite banal, of course, its not like I have quite done much that can be considered monumental in life. I've fallen in love once, I once held an electric guitar and sat at a drum kit, and above all else, I engraved pharmaceutical promotional products. That just makes me remember that love is real.

I think it told me, "I'll see you on the flip side, follow my steps to my room, I'm in my bed as stars dim their lights, after all this time I'm here with you."

Tired.

2008-12-23T22:39:36Z

as usual, I'm tired.

Shady Lane, Everybody Wants One

2008-12-23T02:05:11Z

Youre so beautiful to look at when you cry
Freeze, dont move
Youve been chosen as an extra in the movie adaptation
Of the sequel to your life.

Dear Livejournal

2008-12-18T20:49:34Z

Dear Livejournal,
Hi, how are you? I am good. Today is a good day. Today I got a new slam. Today I got a new something important. Dear. Hopeful, Hopefully, important. God, the savior of the day, has told me to loosen up, quit thinking it all up, and start drowning your misery in a steaming hot batch of corned beef. I frowned, sighed, and simply put, said, "okay." So I am drinking Hop Slam and waiting for corned beef. I'm also thinking about my life, my pain, and my constant reaffirmation of my personal mediocrity.

I haven't grown in a while. I've shrunk in character and thought. I've shrunk in wit and foresight. I've lost that little insecurity that causes me to be as neurotic as I can possibly be. Where did you go little insecurity? Maybe you've run off with the cast of mister lonely. Maybe, for some inexplicable reason, you've commit suicide. How could you do that without me, though? We were supposedly going to die together. Maybe, I'm not listening to the birds, the bees, and the various snow flakes bombarding my head with cold sharpness.

At least only I hate myself.

I love saxophones, however.

Red Letter Day

2008-11-30T15:52:32Z

Of all the cliche platitudes one can experience, the one of personal experimentation and development is the worst. Constantly, the question is not of how much personally can I grow in this world, but merely how much of myself am I willing to give up to be positively affirmed through society. My overall sense of self-worth is still entrenched in an idea of how much I maintain the core of my personality while provoking some awkward balancing agreement with the rest. I suppose this is why I spend more time alone, and less time cultivating friendships.

I still know who my real friends are.

Don't have the will to fight.

To Keith

2008-11-16T21:42:04Z

Keith:

I love you, and most importantly, I miss you dearly. I'm listening to magnolia electric company and thinking about how the last time they were through chicago, you weren't by my side. Anyhow, I don't want to be overly sentimental. All I want you to know is that I love you, and I miss you. Come back, darling, I'll be waiting for you.

Last Night.

2008-10-31T20:06:31Z

Okay, Livejournal. I haven't been this happy in a while. Except, two and a half hours of sleep has to stop. I wish I could just sleep until my alarm is supposed to go off. That would be pleasant, peaceful, and not a game.

The game of life is a game of constant affirmative obliteration.

elkcityhazard @ 2008-09-10T21:56:00

2008-09-11T02:56:40Z

It's dark here and I'm tired.

A New Drink For An Old Drunk

2008-09-07T01:28:37Z

welcome home
I'm feeling more connected
to where I was before I knew
that I was going to float away
even in this darkest hour
so go, go, go
into the latest wilderness
and know, know, know
the world's bleakness
in this darkest hour

the places are serene
when they're misplaced most of all
the ring around your finger
could hurt the face of any creature
there comes a time when
you can't trust your freedoms
because nature holds us down
holds us bound